well…since we are sitting on the side of the road. what better way
to pass the time while the ambulance comes then to….blog.

–actually i spoke too soon….the above was written an hour ago. now
im in a roadside motel trying to make sense of this all. the last
things i remember are eating 2 pieces of cold pizza and a bowl of rice
krispies and watching will ferrel’s nuts dance on top of john c.
riley’s drumset in step brothers. because it was the ghetto bootleg
barbershop version i was more or less wondering when the guy in the
theater was going to say “watch….this is the good part” to me as the
movie went on.

as usual i fell asleep. now normally i woulda been working overtime in
preparing my dj set for my paris afterparty on friday but something
actually said “meh leave it alone”–

i don’t wanna get all deep like it was an omen but those that know me
(look at my twit/facebook/myspace/okayplayer/blip history) know that
when not onstage i am glued to my computer, doing some sort of
activity like converting music or tv shows. but this was a rare
occurrence in which i actually went to sleep.

next thing i knew was the most surreal feeling ever….

was i upside down?

why am i covered in cereal?

oh shit….that coffee pot is coming for my face!!!

in reality the crash was all of about 7 seconds….but to do a 360 on
the highway and end up ramped up (the van that crashed into ours was
UNDER our double decker bus) in the air….is….well…

a frigging miracle.

my first thought was not move a fucking inch. i always had fear that
we would fall off a cliff while in high mountain traveling like denver
or switzerland. i couldn’t tell where gravity began and ended. i felt
like i did 3000 crunches so obviously my side of the bus was now on
the ground (the only way i can describe the position was imagine
yourself on a bus sitting down…..now postion yourself sitting on the
left side of the bus….now overturn the bus so that it tips over and
falls to the right side. now on top of all that position the front of
the bus to stand smack dab in the middle of the air as if a ramp was
holding it up 90 degrees.

now add in my drill sgt of a tour manager keith mcphee being keith
(which is basically to say no one does intensity or UBER intensity
like he does.
i ….was……try….ing……to…..rea….ch….my ….ipod so i
can channel him out. its like every word he yelled was making this
situation much worse than it was….

“……effrom you alive?!?!?!? (yes)……….”frank are you
alive!?!?!?”…….frank?!!?!?!!?!?
FRANK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!…….—”

it was then i realized the severe nature of the accident and i was NOT
in the mood to prep myself on whether or not the remaining 12 people
upstairs (i know its a dumb reference but look up the Spiceworld movie
on youtube and you can see the type of double decker bus that we were
traveling on. i hold court downstairs cause noone can stomach the
stench of the urine induced potty in the downstairs lounge. —after
15 mins you dont notice it all that much)—so i was holding court
downstairs and the 12 of them were asleep in the bunks.

i dont do bunks and this day proves why.

i just wanted someone to calmly tell me the weight of my body was NOT
going to push us down a mountainside. then i wanted assurance that the
bus was NOT going to explode.

my drum tech d was the first to make sure i was okay and since the
Mcpheepanic mode was setting in…the way he was asking me was
rather…..panicky (thanks palin) and based on the fact that he was
walking on the ceiling indeed let me know that this wasn’t no fender
bender i was in…..this shit might be the real deal based on how he
managed to spiderman walk on the ceiling.

or….am i now on the ceiling?

and why do i have to use every stomach muscle just to sit
upright?….wait…..

am i upside down?

damnit…..im upside down……lemme just shift my body to…..oh
shit….just…..wait if i can just….lift this….leg to….

damn. i need something to hold on to to hoist myself up in the air. i
grabbed on to the table and somehow forgetting that i am NOT smedium
(riiiiiiiiiiiip!) the entire table ripped from its foundation and was
now on the ceiling….which is now the floor.

this is also when i noticed that i am covered in coffee and tea and
bread and about 3 bags of cereal multiple water bottles and dvds and
broken glass. and….oh god….did the bathroom fluid overturn too?
(yes….and YUCK)

hearing cars outside i now know that i am not going to fall down the
mountain side…..were are on the highway. but i can see out the right
side of window and i see trees and hills….but i hear car horns and
yelling.

and where the hell is the ambulance?!?!?

keith is yelling and im begging him “please don’t yell”—but keith
dont know calm…..but now he got me thinking something is gonna
happen is i DONT get off this bus. problem is the door that i would
get out of is now the ground. and i am disillusioned and have no sense
of direction. he is telling me i must make my way upstairs and crash
my way through the window and escape. im yelling “where is everyone
else?!?!” and i am informed that me and the driver are the only two
trapped downstairs. now the problem is….im not the smallest person
in the world and now i have to use uber arm strength to climb my way
out of this bus and figure how to hoist myself without the aid of
anything to hold on to.

hard shit indeed.

i made leeway to the stairs when it hit me that all my ID and wallet
and lifeline are in my personal bag….allllllllllllllll the way on
the other side of the bus. i do the contemplate should i shouldn’t i
(”i should” won) now it was “how?!”—

the only way i can describe it is that scene in back to the future
when doc is in the clock tower and had mere seconds to connect a
broken plug that will power marty mcfly’s car with 1.8 jiggawatts of
lightening power. and winds up using every body part to ensure this
goes down the correct way. so my left arm is hoisting my body up and
my right arm and left leg
are…..trying ……to …..grab……within……inches….my……bag…..
(accidents wind up giving you strength you never knew you had….i
carried my bag with my legs while i crawled my way upstairs like i was
joe the paraplegic on family guy—all the while keith is being keith

ahmir ARE YOU OK!?!?! AHMIR PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!!!!

im like….wait…am i even alive? like what if i “think” im alive
when in actually im not like the movies?—-the next 2 minutes proved
how alive i was for i managed to crawl through spaces and holes and
broken shattered glass like a contortionist blindfolded….

when i got outside…..and looked at what i crawled out of?

man.

i just couldn’t believe it.

i mean….how in the hell did we experience this?

how did we manage to….man…..

dog we are soooo alive right now.

and yes we went through all that shit people go through when they go
through accidents.

dazed. amazed. grateful. laughing?

of course as i type this its a whole nother story: i think the
ambulance workers have caught wind of who we are (ze seed?) and there
are about 20 ambulance workers and 10 cops. asking alot of questions
in french (we so need tina faris right now)

as i type this we are waiting in line to get examined. (some of us
have cuts and neck braces on)—keith is still at the bus trying to
salvage what he can (amazingly the uhaul extension is still intact) im
a ok. i called my mom and some loved ones. and i managed to twit in
the ambulance with artless iphone (wanted to be the first celeb to
twit from an ambulance)—i guess im just passing the time and taking
advantage of the free “internets” and the worlds best bread
(yes….the french bread is all that)